The Seven Commandments of Drunk Ubering

Let me start by writing thank you, Dear Reader. Tonight you’ve made a very important decision. Thanks to this pandemic this might be your first night out in months. Maybe you’ve hung out with friends that you haven’t seen in a while. Maybe you’ve spent so much time with your family that you needed a night on the town. Whatever your reasons, taking a ride share home while you’re intoxicated is the smartest thing you could’ve done for all of us.

Yes, rather than risk a DUI or killing someone else or yourself, you called for a ride. You called for my ride. Dear Reader you’ve been incredibly responsible tonight up to this point. And in the process you’ve kept our flimsy, house-of-cards economy going even in these rough times.

But we’re not out of the woods yet, Dear Reader. Because until I get you home and to the door, sigh, I’m your babysitter.

However, that doesn’t make me your best friend, and that doesn’t mean you have carte blanche to destroy my vehicle. While my foremost concern is our personal safety, I’m not doing this as a favor to you. I’m paid to do this. And as such I’m going to need you to be cool.

So I came up with a handy list of guidelines to keep us safe and to keep the police from pulling us over.